The Big Demon: Age

Why is age so important to everyone over the age of I dunno 25 or almost 25? Why are we all so obsessed with looking younger, lying about our age, dressing in age inappropriate manners, poking fun at each other? Age is most definitely the source of many insecurities we adults hold. Our society tells us that youth is valued and the old are discarded. No one wants to be discarded, so they try to keep up. Ever since I turned 25, all Ive heard were age related comments, insults and jokes directed at myself. Some by people only a couple years younger than me. Are you in denial?!? When you start behaving as though someone a couple of years older than you is from another generation or older than you are, it’s quiet obvious you are in denial and have some major issues. Leave it to me to expose these issues. I can spot these people miles away: The look of joy when they find out you’re 25 and not 19, the comments regarding the age of others by 50 year olds (seriously?), even the famous male/female double standard. Ive seen them all. It’s like aging is bad, but we all go through it. How can I make it so that I don’t age or so that I age but I’m immune to the stigma? I’ll dress to look 30 years younger, buy a sports car and get a girlfriend that belongs to the generation toting this style of dress. I’ll also say that because I am a man, Im ok. Ill create an industry dedicated to anti-aging products for women and make women believe that this standard only applies to them. A multi million dollar idea! Chaching!

What? Last I time I checked you aged as well. Last time I checked, young women didn’t want wrinkles and white hair and pot bellies either. LOL. Now that we make our own money, the standard is shifting and slowly applying to men. Some anti-aging products for men are released and balance is soon to be restored. Ain’t life grand? No, we want young guys with washboard abs and a winning personality. Who says the number matters anyways? If you look 20 then you pretty much are. Maybe not mentally, but physically. There are 17 year olds who are obese just like there are 35 year olds who thin, hot and look 21. Age doesnt define who we are and I won’t let it control me.

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Pregnant Women & Cows

So I go across the street to the Thai Place that everyone goes to. It’s quick and easy. The chicken yellow curry is pretty good actually. The line is worth the wait. I stand there and notice a girl wearing the following outfit: Black leggings and a grey stretchy top. Did I mention it was tight? Oh and that she had a baby bump!? So the new thing is to wear the regular slutty clothes you’d wear at the club or on the daily, but while you’re pregnant. The question is, should this be the norm? It’s just so odd. I mean, you’re pregnant, why arent you wearing maternity clothing? I guess they want to feel normal and still be hip blah blah. Maternity clothes suck. Blah. But do we wanna see it? Not a big deal, just something that bothers me. I started wondering if I should approach her and say “The belly…the regular sized tight clothing…what’s up with that?” Instead I just settled for a blank stare and kept on moving.  At least we can see how she got pregnant.

After receiving my food, I get to the counter to pick up my utensil and put some hot sauce in one of those annoying teeny tiny lil paper cups. Of course Im in everyone’s way. Go ahead God damn it. Ill never get my sauce or get out of here but go ahead. I finally get my shit together and head toward the door where my sauce spills, but I catch the container on time. I make to leave while a tiny Asian man runs after me with a cloth saying “here whipe whipe”! I have no idea what he’s talking about so I go to whipe the container and he says “no, your fingers!” Umm it’s cause I just licked them but thanks anyways. After that fiasco, I head to the door, grasp the handle and attempt to push, only to have this rude cow coming from outside pull it out from under me. I almost drop my meal and go ‘WOAAAH’ in a laughy tone that meant “Fuck you, you stupid bitch”. At that moment I turned around, went in after her and kicked her wholeheartedly in the ass. Right in the ass!! She fell forward and… Ok no I didn’t, but I really really wanted to! God, people are such assholes.

The end.

The Courtesy Flush: Use It!

When defacating in public there is one general rule: Flush! flush! flush! Make it look like you aren’t actually doing it, but in for a number one.  Or just avoid unless necessary. Some people don’t seem to understand this. I for one, attempt to schedule my bathroom breaks between 5:30pm and 6:30pm while in the comfort of my own home. Actually, I never realized how regular I was until I started taking notice.  Anyway, what made me notice are the multiple incidents that I have sadly witnessed in one of the most notorious public restrooms: The Office bathroom. Sure it doesnt smell as bad as the one in Rideau (God I refuse to go into that one, the stench is horrendous), but the worst things I’ve witnessed have occured there.

The funniest are the things people will do to avoid being detected: Crinkling the toilet paper, clearing the throat, flushing. LOL.

I don’t know what it is, but I seriously think people have a radar that detects my bathroom habits  because mainly everytime I go to the washroom, someone has to go and take a dump! They aren’t even discreet about it. I mean you hear everything, and  I mean EVERYTHING. See, if I am forced to go, Ill wait til it’s empty and even switch floors ’til I find a vacant loo (Ha!). If no one is there, then I’ll do what I gotta do. If I can’t hold it (emergency situation and I can’t believe I’m blogging about my bowel movements, what am I thinking!?!) and someone is there, Ill time it with someone else’s flush or just produce one of my own. It’s called the courtesy flush. You do it so that no one knows what you’re up to (or at least doesnt have to smell it). It’s just a polite pride-saving technique.  But do people use it? Not when Im around. In fact, I think they have taken note of my bathroom habits and purposefully manage to go to the washroom at the same time I do. Plokch! plokch! I swear I once witnessed a large woman having diarrhea right next to me. Do people have no shame?! PS. Hand washing did not ensue.

Gross.

Cheers and have a great lunch everyone!

Da bitch!

Courgarlicious!

So last night, on the bus (God all my material comes from here I swear lol), I sit down and notice a lady. Now I have a pic to prove it, but Im not sure how to post it right now. Anyway, there were 2 ladies, but Ill start with the first one. This one looked lovely, actually they both did but the first one was “chiquer”. Who were they? 2 women in their 40s and 50s dressing in a non age appropriate manner. The first had designer everything, sunglasses, handbag, loads of makeup, bleached blonde hair and lips outline with a darker colour than her lipstick…Her clothes were characteristic of a 20-30 something gal and the lipstick was straight out of the 80s. The second one was in her 50s wearing a shirt with those black leggins and shoes that a teen would wear. Now it looked nice, til ya saw the face! Honestly, why can people not accept their age? I dont mind when an older person looks nice, but some things shouldnt be worn by a middle aged woman.

As for the men? Skater sneakers and backwards caps went out years ago. Get with the program. Im not saying they should wear vests, but something age appropriate.

Any thoughts?

Middle-Aged Women

Does anyone else notice how bold these women are at times? It seems the older you get, the ruder you get and the more room you take. Example, you are sitting on the bus and a larger middle aged woman sits down next to you. Does she allow you room to breath and perhaps let the 1/4 that is in excess of her body drip over to the other side of her seat? No, no she sits on you. As she is about to sit down you see the large behind about to make its way on your thigh. INCOMING!! She will shove you and take more than her allotted space, leaving you squished by the window. If she doesnt do that, she’ll elbow you as she removes her jacket or tries to make room for herself. She’ll sit in a spot where she doesnt fit, she’ll sit on your bag if it happens to be on the seat next to you without asking if she can sit there. Sometimes, I just can’t take it.

What inspired this post?

Chapter 3 – The older bolder woman

At lunch time I go to the microwave to reheat my pre-made lunch. Ok it’s a frozen dinner but whatever. From where she is standing, her frame is blocking the door. She sees me taking my lunch out of the freezer and doesnt move. Fine, ok. I unwrap my lunch from the box and make to open the microwave, bitch doesnt move. I open the door and lightly hit her w it (not on purpose, it was just a light non-intentional thing) and she only moves a bit. Taking up the whole damn room!!! WTF is that people?? My thoughts are racing and I feel like saying, as Ludacris once eloquently said: MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!

Seriously! The nerve of some people! It seems that consideration for others goes out the window once you hit 50!

Your biotch in sisterhood (as my girl Suzy would say, well the sisterhood part)

Franeh

Adventures of a bus traveller

God, sometimes I really hate the bus, especially the “commoner” route. Loving that li’l ironic term, but seriously, there is a divide between a regular fare bus and an express route bus. For example, the ’95’ (iconic route synonymous with Ottawa public transit users and non-users) is a regular route that spans from the Eastern suburbs of Ottawa to the Western suburbs. All is fine and dandy until you hit the periphery of the downtown area on either side. Im talking about Blair and St-Laurent specifically here. Im not familiar with the West side.  The trash that gets on the bus at those points is tragic, just tragic. You can really tell when you are out of the safe havens of the suburbs and into those regions. They swirm the bus like cattle or a herd of bees. If you are coming from downtown, you can pretty much guess who will get off at those stops. The people in this category are those who a) smell b) talk to themselves c) Somalian (ok I know that’s a smidge racist, but they are annoying. I mean there is scientific  research that demonstrates this Im sure. Well, anecdotal anyways. I mean at least!) d) dirty people who dont bathe, etc.. So the experience is rather interesting in addition to the overcrowding. I can’t deal when an individual of the above categories sits beside me. I’ve been known to sigh, give a dirty ‘if looks could kill look’ and move

So this morning I was thinking about my blog and whether or not something would inspire me to write. Alas, the 95 Blair stop never fails. The bus is empty. Of course some weird old smelly lady simply has to sit right behind me. Of course she doesnt sit, no she puts her stuff in the seat beside her and stands. She waves her vest in a grand motion that produces air because the A/C bus isn’t cool enough. Oh and did I mention that it’s raining today and it was cold this morning? Like that wasnt annoying enough, she starts singing/humming to herself. Ugh. Good God. Here come the dirty looks and the earphones. Why didnt I take the express route? The people on these busses are generally calm, clean suburbanites who keep to themselves, give or take the occasional obese woman who sits on top of you. God ParaTranspo much? One day I will say “YOU CANT FIT HERE, TAKE PARATRANSPO OR PAY FOR TWO SEATS”.

Anyway, that’s my story. Always an interesting adventure on Commoners route.

Bitchily yours,

Franeh

Hello world!

I’ve spent most of my life complaining about everbody and everything. The weather, my neighbours, my teachers, that moron on the bus who keeps staring at you no matter how many times you avert your eyes. Whatever. I’d diss them all. Clever, hilarious quips, if I do say so myself. For at least a decade of that time I have been told I should write a book, a book of disses. For the most part, I laughed it off, but a small part of me took it into consideration. If I were to write a book of disses, what would be called? OMG if I did, it would have volumes. Volume 1: Harsh! I love it!! I wonder who would publish it… Penguin? Dell? Well, Ill settle for a blog. I’ve been told I should start one by many people, including co-workers, so here I am.

I hope you enjoy! For the moment I will recall a story from the past and my next posts will ensue from future encounters with idiots and morons! God! This is what I live for!

Chapter 1 – The asshole on Twitter

So this US citizen who follows me on Twitter mispells a word and I correct him. Fine. This chick from the UK who is hardup for this guy tweets the word colour and I make a friendly joke about her knowing how to appropriately spell the word ‘colour’. The US guys freaks out and starts dissing Canada and slinging personal attacks at me at a rapid rate. Wow. Hit a nerve much? He even got a few degenerates to start pestering me. Blockity block block! Why are US citizens so god damn sensitive?? Why are they so defensive? They keep trying to convince themselves that they are superior to our country and to the world, when all they can boast about is their dwindling military power. So sad.

Sincerely,

The Bitch 😉